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Today I keep feeling like I'm not good enough. Maybe I'll never be good enough. Moving into this new life has been a challenge. This whole last year of my life has been nothing but the Mind eraser roller coaster at Elitch Gardens. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm finally at the part of the roller coaster where the loops aren't as big and now I'm just feeling the rattling and bumps of the upside down twists. The problem is, this roller coaster's end is not where it began. It's more scary when you don't know where you will end up.

Some days I like being in the relationship I'm in, but I've been feeling like most days I'm not happy in it. He makes me feel stupid and that I'll never be good enough for him. I wonder if he just keeps me around to feel powerful. I'm sure he doesn't mind being the one that "knows everything" or is perfect at everything. He has no issues what so ever, I'm the one with all of the issues. I think what bothers me most is that he makes me feel like I have to be perfect, that I can't be human, that I'm not allowed to make mistakes.

He doesn't seem to make any mistakes, he seems to have it all together. He just needs me to be around so that he has someone to stand over, to confirm how perfect he is and to feel the power of being so. There are so many days that I think "what am I getting myself into?" "what have I done?". But there is no guide to life. I wish there was.

Today, as I was putting together the bookshelf I bought at Ikea, I thought "see, I don't need anyone. I can't but this together myself". Which is exactly what I did as he took a nap. As I was taking out the trash from putting the shelf together, I kept thinking that may be I really don't need anyone. I'm pretty self sufficient. I can handle things on my own. If I wanted to, I could probably find another apartment that I could afford and just live completely on my own. What do I need a man for? Definitely not to cook! Ha ha ha! Vibrators are better than a man's penis in my opinion. I know how to change my own tires, I know how to live on my own! If I want to have kids, I can raise them on my own. My mother did, so why can't I? I could adopt or maybe go to a sperm bank.

I guess on days like today I wonder what it is I need from life and from myself. I'm honestly not sure this new life is what I want. Maybe I just give it more time.

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