I have mixed emotions: sadness, anger, pride, happiness, frustration. All relationships go through rocky terrain, if you make it through and to the top to see the view, that's what makes it worth it. It's interesting how we all want the same thing: a happily ever after. However, the portrait of a happy ending is painted so differently for each of us. Sometimes it's like going to an art auction, some paintings you understand and can see the artist's feeling/meaning behind it, other paintings it is like "what the fuck?".
Many of us also tend to put road blocks of fear through the path of our happiness. Why would we do that? Why do we self sabotage? I know for me, it was because I didn't feel like I deserved happiness for some twisted but emotionally logical reason. Perhaps that is why everyone puts road blocks on their path. Fears of worthlessness, rejection, loss, pain etc. I have had to work hard to realize my fears, the patterns they produce and their stem. And I have to continue to work hard to change my twisted belief system which is the stem of my fears. I have come a long way. Everyday I have to work at it.
Today was a pretty big breakthrough for me, I was able to really see how others might see me and really see how twisted and incorrect my belief system has been. I saw things clearly for the first time. I realized today, that maybe I'm not the issue for my failed relationships. Maybe my partner has some serious personal work to do on their end and that their stem is just as screwed up as mine.
I had to give an ultimatum yesterday after discussing with my partner his concerns about the development of our happily ever after painting. It isn't developing the way he thought it would and it turns out that our paintings may actually be different after all. Even though we had discussed what our happy ending paintings would look like way before I moved out here for him. I think 1 year ago, our paintings were on the same page with the same elements. Now, I think they've changed, and I think he has no idea what he wants his to look like. I also don't think he is up for the rocky terrain of the relationship. Maybe he doesn't want to see the top? Maybe he is too afraid? Whatever the reason is, it's deep and he has to be willing to uncover that to continue.
I've done my personal work and I continue to work on myself and grow. I know what I want and most importantly, I can see my value. It's time I deserve the same effort that I provide in a relationship. It's up to him to decide if he wants to work through his personal stuff and if he wants me to be there to support him. Parts of me are angry for the risk I took with no reciprocation. Parts of me are sad that this could be the end of a something that could've been great. Part of me is frustrated that I seem to have found myself in this same predicament with a different person. Someone who doesn't know what they want and is unwilling to figure it out. But right now, I feel proud of myself for identifying my self-worth and realizing that maybe I'm not the one who is broken anymore.
Many of us also tend to put road blocks of fear through the path of our happiness. Why would we do that? Why do we self sabotage? I know for me, it was because I didn't feel like I deserved happiness for some twisted but emotionally logical reason. Perhaps that is why everyone puts road blocks on their path. Fears of worthlessness, rejection, loss, pain etc. I have had to work hard to realize my fears, the patterns they produce and their stem. And I have to continue to work hard to change my twisted belief system which is the stem of my fears. I have come a long way. Everyday I have to work at it.
Today was a pretty big breakthrough for me, I was able to really see how others might see me and really see how twisted and incorrect my belief system has been. I saw things clearly for the first time. I realized today, that maybe I'm not the issue for my failed relationships. Maybe my partner has some serious personal work to do on their end and that their stem is just as screwed up as mine.
I had to give an ultimatum yesterday after discussing with my partner his concerns about the development of our happily ever after painting. It isn't developing the way he thought it would and it turns out that our paintings may actually be different after all. Even though we had discussed what our happy ending paintings would look like way before I moved out here for him. I think 1 year ago, our paintings were on the same page with the same elements. Now, I think they've changed, and I think he has no idea what he wants his to look like. I also don't think he is up for the rocky terrain of the relationship. Maybe he doesn't want to see the top? Maybe he is too afraid? Whatever the reason is, it's deep and he has to be willing to uncover that to continue.
I've done my personal work and I continue to work on myself and grow. I know what I want and most importantly, I can see my value. It's time I deserve the same effort that I provide in a relationship. It's up to him to decide if he wants to work through his personal stuff and if he wants me to be there to support him. Parts of me are angry for the risk I took with no reciprocation. Parts of me are sad that this could be the end of a something that could've been great. Part of me is frustrated that I seem to have found myself in this same predicament with a different person. Someone who doesn't know what they want and is unwilling to figure it out. But right now, I feel proud of myself for identifying my self-worth and realizing that maybe I'm not the one who is broken anymore.
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