Confessions of Reality

I have mixed emotions: sadness, anger, pride, happiness, frustration. All relationships go through rocky terrain, if you make it through and to the top to see the view, that's what makes it worth it. It's interesting how we all want the same thing: a happily ever after. However, the portrait of a happy ending is painted so differently for each of us. Sometimes it's like going to an art auction, some paintings you understand and can see the artist's feeling/meaning behind it, other paintings it is like "what the fuck?". Many of us also tend to put road blocks of fear through the path of our happiness. Why would we do that? Why do we self sabotage? I know for me, it was because I didn't feel like I deserved happiness for some twisted but emotionally logical reason. Perhaps that is why everyone puts road blocks on their path. Fears of worthlessness, rejection, loss, pain etc. I have had to work hard to realize my fears, the patterns they produce and their st...

I see your trust issues now, your paranoia. But you make me feel like I don't matter, that I don't exist. You make me feel like I'm not allowed to feel the way I do and you question my feelings constantly. You tell me that you think I'm just acting over here, you tell me I'm manipulative. How can I be manipulative when I actually feel the way I feel? I'm not trying to hide my tears from you to get something I want. What would it be that I want? Yes, I do want something from you, but I'm not going to manipulate you to get it because it is impossible to do so. I want your actual love, your trust, your willingness to understand and listen. But I don't get that from you. You just tell me everything I do wrong and that I somehow twist things because YOU feel guilty. I'm not making you feel guilty, that's your own.

This morning started out rough I thought. It was gloomy. My alarm went off at 9am, it seemed to have annoyed him. I think that started his bad mood. I offered to make pancakes. I went to the kitchen and started putting together the batter. He walked past the kitchen, he mentioned that the weather looked cold as he peered out the window. Next thing I heard was him opening the apartment door and closing it. I looked, he went out to the front porch. As I made pancakes, he just sat outside on the porch, on his phone. I wondered which girl he might be texting this morning. He obviously has no interest in me anymore. I made his batch of pancakes first and brought it to him outside. As he ate his pancakes outside, I was back inside making my own batch, watching him through the reflection of the microwave. Trying to find some kind of sign of what he was feeling or thinking. Nothing. I ate my pancakes inside on the couch. So this is what life is going to be like with us now. We decided to wat...

Today I keep feeling like I'm not good enough. Maybe I'll never be good enough. Moving into this new life has been a challenge. This whole last year of my life has been nothing but the Mind eraser roller coaster at Elitch Gardens. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm finally at the part of the roller coaster where the loops aren't as big and now I'm just feeling the rattling and bumps of the upside down twists. The problem is, this roller coaster's end is not where it began. It's more scary when you don't know where you will end up. Some days I like being in the relationship I'm in, but I've been feeling like most days I'm not happy in it. He makes me feel stupid and that I'll never be good enough for him. I wonder if he just keeps me around to feel powerful. I'm sure he doesn't mind being the one that "knows everything" or is perfect at everything. He has no issues what so ever, I'm the one with all of the issues. I...