Confessions of Reality

I see your trust issues now, your paranoia. But you make me feel like I don't matter, that I don't exist. You make me feel like I'm not allowed to feel the way I do and you question my feelings constantly. You tell me that you think I'm just acting over here, you tell me I'm manipulative. How can I be manipulative when I actually feel the way I feel? I'm not trying to hide my tears from you to get something I want. What would it be that I want? Yes, I do want something from you, but I'm not going to manipulate you to get it because it is impossible to do so. I want your actual love, your trust, your willingness to understand and listen. But I don't get that from you. You just tell me everything I do wrong and that I somehow twist things because YOU feel guilty. I'm not making you feel guilty, that's your own.

This morning started out rough I thought. It was gloomy. My alarm went off at 9am, it seemed to have annoyed him. I think that started his bad mood. I offered to make pancakes. I went to the kitchen and started putting together the batter. He walked past the kitchen, he mentioned that the weather looked cold as he peered out the window. Next thing I heard was him opening the apartment door and closing it. I looked, he went out to the front porch. As I made pancakes, he just sat outside on the porch, on his phone. I wondered which girl he might be texting this morning. He obviously has no interest in me anymore. I made his batch of pancakes first and brought it to him outside. As he ate his pancakes outside, I was back inside making my own batch, watching him through the reflection of the microwave. Trying to find some kind of sign of what he was feeling or thinking. Nothing. I ate my pancakes inside on the couch. So this is what life is going to be like with us now. We decided to wat...